fuck I got fucked over last night by a guy and I thought we had something going but it turns out that he now has something going with someone else. But he totally chose the wrong time to reveal that, it totally ruined my night, and I can’t kick it out of my mind, it’s just repeating over and over again and everything I didn’t see beforehand and how it came to light and how I looked so much the fool. He could have told me before, at any stage, but he decided to do it this way and now I will probably see him in the next week and I have no idea what I’m going to say. For now I just feel like crying and sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I really don’t know if I can muster the strength for anything else.

some days will be like this

dull
cold

they seem ineffectual
like in-between days
like your real life will resume shortly

you will want to skip them

there may be nothing happening
nothing to sweep you away

but remember
it’s your life
you can decide

if you don’t want dull and cold
make something bright and bold

When you do someone wrong, a second chance result in the best situation.  I know you let me in a second time, so now when you want space I’m going to give it to you unconditionally. This change in circumstances can appear odd because isn’t this how it should be in the first place? Shouldn’t you give your friends and romantic interests the space they need, even when it seems like they are ignoring you? But most people are not like that. When you don’t want to talk to them they think it’s about them, not that you may not be feeling social, that maybe you are feeling unwell, or that you are just too busy. People tend to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about them and that you must find them annoying. I admit that I can sometimes to jump to such conclusions too. That, or it’s one of the many possibilities that come to mind. The point is to give your friend or partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust can be hard to give, but in my experience it’s best to give it. But the point about the second chance I was given is that it feels easier for me not to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about me. I understand that this friend still wants to talk to me and that the fact they couldn’t reply is that they were genuinely busy. Maybe they don’t want to hang out either, or maybe not just yet, but that’s okay too. Being their friend, and giving them a break when they don’t want to reply or hang out can be the right thing for me to do. After all, it’s always a relief when my friends give me that break. It builds a certain amount of trust in a relationship.

Consider, if your response to them was ‘is this about me, do you not like me, why are you not replying???’ they can consider you too attached and possibly even be scared.

If you say, ‘that’s okay, I know what it’s like being that busy. Just let me know when you’re free and we can catch up.’ It lets them off the hook and makes you more approachable when they are free.

Even if you are pretty sure it’s you they are ignoring, and not that they are simply busy, the point is that you don’t know for sure. The worst that can happen out of trusting them is that they are ignoring you and you won’t hang out anyway. But if they do want to hang out but you don’t trust them, then that can backfire and they may no longer want to talk to you because of your reaction.

Trust in a friendship can be hard to build and maintain, but I find that when you give it and they follow through it can result in some of the best friendships. When you give it and they fail you, it can result in some of the worst hurt. This is the risk we sometimes have to take.

If they are forgiven and yet they don’t seem to trust you, well that’s what I don’t want to appear like to my friend. Because I do trust him and I do want this to work.

I’m confused. So I managed, despite being anxious, to talk to a guy I like. And we were having an okay online conversation, asking each other questions. Then I asked him if he would be free during the week. He said yes. So I asked what day would be good and he didn’t reply. Now it’s been a couple of days and I’m wondering what’s up. It doesn’t seem like he likes me at all, but when we saw each other the other day it seemed like the opposite. And I don’t want to be that naive person that equates kissing and intimacy with someone liking you, but he gave other signs that he liked me too. And he asked to go out for dinner. Did he find someone else? Did he just lose interest? Is he just extremely busy and always like this? I don’t know. But I want to ask again if he’s free this weekend. If it was a lapse then surely this time he will reply. If not, then he won’t and I’ll at least know that he’s not interested.

Okay, here goes! I’m going to ask him out this week. I know probably few to no people would read this but it just feels easier to blog it and then say it for some reason…

or maybe this is just me putting it off and I won’t say anything.

But life is about trying, and even if you don’t succeed, you’ll know that at least you gave it a go. So that’s what I’m doing now.

I can sort of understand this feeling now. It’s like being bumped from no.1 to no.2 in someone’s mind. And then they contact you less. Whilst contacting that other person for hours. And yeah, it can hurt when you realise that they will no longer be there as often as they were and when they are there they will still be less present than they otherwise would have been. Like part of them is thinking about the other person who they would be happier to talk to. And that hurts too. The kicker being that you start to wonder if you were only there in the intermediary time - between the breakup and his new relationship - as a binkie to comfort him until you can be thrown away, and the focus and love can be given to the other person.

I’m close to my ex which can be good and bad. Like it’s great to have such a close friend who I share a close history with. It’s great we didn’t lose contact after we stopped dating. In fact, we talk everyday still. But every time I find out about his love life, it stings a little. We broke up mutually so it’s not like I feel a double sense of rejection, it’s just a single one. Even though I know that’s stupid because I know I don’t want to get back together with him. It’s stupid I feel this way but I can’t seem to shake it. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I were in a relationship? I don’t know. But yeah it’s annoying to hear that he and this guy are acting like they’re in a relationship even though they’re not and he’s confused about what that means. I know what it means, it means they’re going to get together. So yeah. I mean I’ll get over this feeling whatever it is. I guess it’s a feeling of inadequacy, like where are the boys for me. Even though I have been sleeping with a guy. Even though we haven’t talked recently. But yeah, I’m excited to see this guy again so I need to contact him soon. I really like him. So I hope something happens. But back to my ex,  I hope whatever happens that he is happy. That’s what I should hope for and that’s what I want.

I bumped into a friend the other day on the train and honestly it’s the best thing that’s happened to me for the past month. And he said we should catch up soon and I’m really excited for that. So I’m going to message him today and ask him out. As friends, of course. In little over two weeks he’s studying abroad in Europe, and I’m going to miss him so much. Seeing him this week may be the last time, although I hope not.

Maybe it’s just been getting used to the holidays and a new schedule but the past week my sleeping pattern has gone from bad to worse. Sleeping in  until 2, sleeping only two hours, sleeping in until 12, sleeping no hours, sleeping in, sleeping in, being awake but being too tired to function. Giving in and sleeping at 7am, sleeping in…

I feel broken, I feel detached.

I just want to be able to sleep early and well and wake up early and refreshed, and then have somewhere to be, something to do. A plan. I need a plan.

How long without talking to someone does it take before….before you both don’t take the effort to try to hang out with each other? How long before you think maybe you won’t talk again?
I was asked question along these lines the other night. A boy I like and who I had been close with, who I thought liked me, hasn’t talked to me for over a month now. And it leaves me thinking, does he not like me? But then I haven’t talked to him either…and I like him. So just because we haven’t talked, it doesn’t mean we don’t like each other.
It was so nice to be with him, to be so close, to sleep with each other again. And that moment when he came towards me and kissed me. The moment we watched TV and I felt that we would kiss again, and then we did.
I want to make the effort, I think it’s worth it. I really like him and I’m going to make the effort. If he no longer wants to hang out he’ll let me know, but I’ll know that at least I tried. And if does want to hang out then maybe we’ll kiss again.

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