I don’t know why this is effecting me so much. The past couple of weeks have been okay because I’ve been able to see him. This week I haven’t seen him at all. And it’s hit me now. It’s hit me that he doesn’t really care about seeing me really, that after this semester I’m no longer going to be studying here and I won’t see him at all. We will part and not see each other again. And it makes me wonder what I was even hoping for. Was it just going to be something casual? Would a relationship have worked? But I shouldn’t ponder too much on these things, because he chose someone else. And that’s it. And my friends have said what he did was douchey but I just want to move on and be friends. I want to be friends but he’s not here and I’ve been feeling down because it. If I could just see him I think I would feel better but that can’t last forever. People are not medicine, you can’t take them when you’re not feeling well, you can’t expect them to be there. Because our paths will diverge and who knows where we’ll end up but I feel I’ve lost something with him. And now I’m without. I need to move on from this though. Not only because there are so many good people out there, but because I can’t let this affect me and my studies, and my future. I need to put this in perspective. He’s not worth this pain, but I feel the pain nonetheless.

why do I feel like I’m enamoured with everyone and then suddenly no one

this is a secret blog for secret feelings

fuck I got fucked over last night by a guy and I thought we had something going but it turns out that he now has something going with someone else. But he totally chose the wrong time to reveal that, it totally ruined my night, and I can’t kick it out of my mind, it’s just repeating over and over again and everything I didn’t see beforehand and how it came to light and how I looked so much the fool. He could have told me before, at any stage, but he decided to do it this way and now I will probably see him in the next week and I have no idea what I’m going to say. For now I just feel like crying and sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I really don’t know if I can muster the strength for anything else.

some days will be like this


they seem ineffectual
like in-between days
like your real life will resume shortly

you will want to skip them

there may be nothing happening
nothing to sweep you away

but remember
it’s your life
you can decide

if you don’t want dull and cold
make something bright and bold

When you do someone wrong, a second chance result in the best situation.  I know you let me in a second time, so now when you want space I’m going to give it to you unconditionally. This change in circumstances can appear odd because isn’t this how it should be in the first place? Shouldn’t you give your friends and romantic interests the space they need, even when it seems like they are ignoring you? But most people are not like that. When you don’t want to talk to them they think it’s about them, not that you may not be feeling social, that maybe you are feeling unwell, or that you are just too busy. People tend to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about them and that you must find them annoying. I admit that I can sometimes to jump to such conclusions too. That, or it’s one of the many possibilities that come to mind. The point is to give your friend or partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust can be hard to give, but in my experience it’s best to give it. But the point about the second chance I was given is that it feels easier for me not to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about me. I understand that this friend still wants to talk to me and that the fact they couldn’t reply is that they were genuinely busy. Maybe they don’t want to hang out either, or maybe not just yet, but that’s okay too. Being their friend, and giving them a break when they don’t want to reply or hang out can be the right thing for me to do. After all, it’s always a relief when my friends give me that break. It builds a certain amount of trust in a relationship.

Consider, if your response to them was ‘is this about me, do you not like me, why are you not replying???’ they can consider you too attached and possibly even be scared.

If you say, ‘that’s okay, I know what it’s like being that busy. Just let me know when you’re free and we can catch up.’ It lets them off the hook and makes you more approachable when they are free.

Even if you are pretty sure it’s you they are ignoring, and not that they are simply busy, the point is that you don’t know for sure. The worst that can happen out of trusting them is that they are ignoring you and you won’t hang out anyway. But if they do want to hang out but you don’t trust them, then that can backfire and they may no longer want to talk to you because of your reaction.

Trust in a friendship can be hard to build and maintain, but I find that when you give it and they follow through it can result in some of the best friendships. When you give it and they fail you, it can result in some of the worst hurt. This is the risk we sometimes have to take.

If they are forgiven and yet they don’t seem to trust you, well that’s what I don’t want to appear like to my friend. Because I do trust him and I do want this to work.

I’m confused. So I managed, despite being anxious, to talk to a guy I like. And we were having an okay online conversation, asking each other questions. Then I asked him if he would be free during the week. He said yes. So I asked what day would be good and he didn’t reply. Now it’s been a couple of days and I’m wondering what’s up. It doesn’t seem like he likes me at all, but when we saw each other the other day it seemed like the opposite. And I don’t want to be that naive person that equates kissing and intimacy with someone liking you, but he gave other signs that he liked me too. And he asked to go out for dinner. Did he find someone else? Did he just lose interest? Is he just extremely busy and always like this? I don’t know. But I want to ask again if he’s free this weekend. If it was a lapse then surely this time he will reply. If not, then he won’t and I’ll at least know that he’s not interested.

Okay, here goes! I’m going to ask him out this week. I know probably few to no people would read this but it just feels easier to blog it and then say it for some reason…

or maybe this is just me putting it off and I won’t say anything.

But life is about trying, and even if you don’t succeed, you’ll know that at least you gave it a go. So that’s what I’m doing now.

I can sort of understand this feeling now. It’s like being bumped from no.1 to no.2 in someone’s mind. And then they contact you less. Whilst contacting that other person for hours. And yeah, it can hurt when you realise that they will no longer be there as often as they were and when they are there they will still be less present than they otherwise would have been. Like part of them is thinking about the other person who they would be happier to talk to. And that hurts too. The kicker being that you start to wonder if you were only there in the intermediary time - between the breakup and his new relationship - as a binkie to comfort him until you can be thrown away, and the focus and love can be given to the other person.

I’m close to my ex which can be good and bad. Like it’s great to have such a close friend who I share a close history with. It’s great we didn’t lose contact after we stopped dating. In fact, we talk everyday still. But every time I find out about his love life, it stings a little. We broke up mutually so it’s not like I feel a double sense of rejection, it’s just a single one. Even though I know that’s stupid because I know I don’t want to get back together with him. It’s stupid I feel this way but I can’t seem to shake it. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I were in a relationship? I don’t know. But yeah it’s annoying to hear that he and this guy are acting like they’re in a relationship even though they’re not and he’s confused about what that means. I know what it means, it means they’re going to get together. So yeah. I mean I’ll get over this feeling whatever it is. I guess it’s a feeling of inadequacy, like where are the boys for me. Even though I have been sleeping with a guy. Even though we haven’t talked recently. But yeah, I’m excited to see this guy again so I need to contact him soon. I really like him. So I hope something happens. But back to my ex,  I hope whatever happens that he is happy. That’s what I should hope for and that’s what I want.

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