If at least you can’t stay for much longer at least tell me you value our friendship like I do. At least say you don’t want to drift away from me. At least express those sentiments, the ones I just expressed. Don’t fall into a pit of resignation, taking our friendship with you. Don’t tear apart at me any more, don’t turn your back, don’t you dare turn away from me. I’m holding on because I love you and I don’t want to see you go. I’m holding on because of the happiness we had, despite the distress. 

I have to admit that I really haven’t been coping well the past month or so. The fact that the guy I liked ditched me for another guy really hit me hard. It wasn’t just the fact it happened but the way it happened that hurt me. I still wanted to be friends but I hardly see him around uni and I don’t know if I have the courage to ask to see him. 

I was thinking as I was riding home that I have an idea of him that isn’t real. He isn’t as impressive as I thought. He isn’t as cute or lovable, he’s just another guy going for what he wants. The idea of him I have doesn’t exist in reality. And even if it did, meeting up with him wouldn’t mean he’d come back to me. It could help, if I just told him how it made me feel and then I could have some closure. And it wouldn’t mean closure on our friendship, because I enjoy seeing him and hanging out. I just need to put this behind me.

I’ve been having recurring dreams in which he signals to me that he’s going to end it with his boyfriend and be with me. And in these dreams I’m happy with this. The fact this has been happening over the last few weeks shows I need to do something differently and confront the situation. I really need to talk to him. I don’t care if he thinks it’s been ages since it happened and I should be over it, I’m going to talk to him anyway.

this is the blog I write on whenever I want to write about something too personal for my main blog or just something I just don’t want people who know me to see.

but frickin hell dr who is back and people will be posting more and more gifs and posts about it and these are people I usually like (exception of one friend it would be too awkward to unfollow) and I just really do not like seeing so much dr who. why can’t people just get over it? arrrrrgh.

I don’t know why this is effecting me so much. The past couple of weeks have been okay because I’ve been able to see him. This week I haven’t seen him at all. And it’s hit me now. It’s hit me that he doesn’t really care about seeing me really, that after this semester I’m no longer going to be studying here and I won’t see him at all. We will part and not see each other again. And it makes me wonder what I was even hoping for. Was it just going to be something casual? Would a relationship have worked? But I shouldn’t ponder too much on these things, because he chose someone else. And that’s it. And my friends have said what he did was douchey but I just want to move on and be friends. I want to be friends but he’s not here and I’ve been feeling down because it. If I could just see him I think I would feel better but that can’t last forever. People are not medicine, you can’t take them when you’re not feeling well, you can’t expect them to be there. Because our paths will diverge and who knows where we’ll end up but I feel I’ve lost something with him. And now I’m without. I need to move on from this though. Not only because there are so many good people out there, but because I can’t let this affect me and my studies, and my future. I need to put this in perspective. He’s not worth this pain, but I feel the pain nonetheless.

why do I feel like I’m enamoured with everyone and then suddenly no one

this is a secret blog for secret feelings

fuck I got fucked over last night by a guy and I thought we had something going but it turns out that he now has something going with someone else. But he totally chose the wrong time to reveal that, it totally ruined my night, and I can’t kick it out of my mind, it’s just repeating over and over again and everything I didn’t see beforehand and how it came to light and how I looked so much the fool. He could have told me before, at any stage, but he decided to do it this way and now I will probably see him in the next week and I have no idea what I’m going to say. For now I just feel like crying and sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I really don’t know if I can muster the strength for anything else.

some days will be like this

dull
cold

they seem ineffectual
like in-between days
like your real life will resume shortly

you will want to skip them

there may be nothing happening
nothing to sweep you away

but remember
it’s your life
you can decide

if you don’t want dull and cold
make something bright and bold

When you do someone wrong, a second chance result in the best situation.  I know you let me in a second time, so now when you want space I’m going to give it to you unconditionally. This change in circumstances can appear odd because isn’t this how it should be in the first place? Shouldn’t you give your friends and romantic interests the space they need, even when it seems like they are ignoring you? But most people are not like that. When you don’t want to talk to them they think it’s about them, not that you may not be feeling social, that maybe you are feeling unwell, or that you are just too busy. People tend to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about them and that you must find them annoying. I admit that I can sometimes to jump to such conclusions too. That, or it’s one of the many possibilities that come to mind. The point is to give your friend or partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust can be hard to give, but in my experience it’s best to give it. But the point about the second chance I was given is that it feels easier for me not to jump to the conclusion that it’s all about me. I understand that this friend still wants to talk to me and that the fact they couldn’t reply is that they were genuinely busy. Maybe they don’t want to hang out either, or maybe not just yet, but that’s okay too. Being their friend, and giving them a break when they don’t want to reply or hang out can be the right thing for me to do. After all, it’s always a relief when my friends give me that break. It builds a certain amount of trust in a relationship.

Consider, if your response to them was ‘is this about me, do you not like me, why are you not replying???’ they can consider you too attached and possibly even be scared.

If you say, ‘that’s okay, I know what it’s like being that busy. Just let me know when you’re free and we can catch up.’ It lets them off the hook and makes you more approachable when they are free.

Even if you are pretty sure it’s you they are ignoring, and not that they are simply busy, the point is that you don’t know for sure. The worst that can happen out of trusting them is that they are ignoring you and you won’t hang out anyway. But if they do want to hang out but you don’t trust them, then that can backfire and they may no longer want to talk to you because of your reaction.

Trust in a friendship can be hard to build and maintain, but I find that when you give it and they follow through it can result in some of the best friendships. When you give it and they fail you, it can result in some of the worst hurt. This is the risk we sometimes have to take.

If they are forgiven and yet they don’t seem to trust you, well that’s what I don’t want to appear like to my friend. Because I do trust him and I do want this to work.

I’m confused. So I managed, despite being anxious, to talk to a guy I like. And we were having an okay online conversation, asking each other questions. Then I asked him if he would be free during the week. He said yes. So I asked what day would be good and he didn’t reply. Now it’s been a couple of days and I’m wondering what’s up. It doesn’t seem like he likes me at all, but when we saw each other the other day it seemed like the opposite. And I don’t want to be that naive person that equates kissing and intimacy with someone liking you, but he gave other signs that he liked me too. And he asked to go out for dinner. Did he find someone else? Did he just lose interest? Is he just extremely busy and always like this? I don’t know. But I want to ask again if he’s free this weekend. If it was a lapse then surely this time he will reply. If not, then he won’t and I’ll at least know that he’s not interested.

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